I’ve thought about this for a long time now, why do we want people who don’t want us? We seem to pine for the one who barely knows we’re there, yet the one whose ready to welcome us with open arms gets ignored every time. I’ve been on both sides of the fence, and from experience, its that everybody in this world wants to be fought for, to have someone come and “rescue” them from loneliness, or something like that. No one wants to be the $1 cheeseburger at a fast food place, but rather the carnitas bowl from Chipotle when Chipotle was going through that weird “no carnitas” available thing. Some people, either by birth, sheer determination or a plain lack of moral reprehension and/or self respect can achieve the status of being wanted, but unattainable. The rest of us serfs have to make do with dating.
In the gay world, there are many unspoken rules. You know how they say “dress for the job you want”? In the gay world, its “Dress for the boyfriend you want.”. Keep in mind, that a rule that involves clothing and shopping will certainly draw the attention of many (not all) gay men and that, with the many subsets of gay culture, it happens, either overtly or behind closed doors. Dressing also includes things like workout routines, hair stylist appointments, body modification sessions and pretty much everything under the sun to make ourselves be an extension of some anonymous stranger we have yet to meet but are ready to fall in love with.
A long time ago, I was told on some gay forum that fat men didn’t deserve men who “took care of themselves” mainly because if they had time to take care of themselves, they deserved a boyfriend. What that post insinuated in 19 year old me (an asshole btw) was that love and romance were something to be worked for at the gym, that unless you could commit to a diet an exercise routine that was draconian (by my gluttonus standards) to say the least, then no, Love was not for you. I confronted the poster online, who claimed that it wasn’t him that said it, but a friend (nice cop out dude). I held that stymied belief for years, but as time went on, I started to gain more perspective; yes, love is effort. It’s not something so shallow as gym time or grooming time (although they can be important to some) it takes hard work, dedication and the belief that two people will make it work, somehow. There are constants and variables that, as a couple, they will find out how it will test their feelings for each other.
By effort, I also mean putting yourself out there. Yeah, it sucks to go on 10 dates with 10 different people and blow all of them. But to look at it another way, you just went through 10 people to find 10 people who it didnt work out with, thats a lot farther than most people ever get, due to fear or prior commitments. I applaud those who go on many dates, they understand that it’s a numbers game. Granted, there might be some times where, what I call “preference settings” should kick in so you’re not wasting your time, but if you get out there, you’re bound to find someone that you can both be worth the effort for each other.