The Big Idea – What worries me the most

by quebecalexander

Back in 2005, I did lose a significant amount of weight. For some reason, however, I gained it all back. Perhaps it was the new job, perhaps it was the hectic school schedule or the fact that I just balloon up whenever I see or think about food. For whatever reason, this is what brings me to write this post today.

I have been doing a lot better than last time, remarkably so. I have a great support system to encourage me, keep me motivated and on track. I have this fear that, even when I lose the weight, that I may gain it all back.I mean, losing the weight isn’t hard once you consider the monumental task of trying to keep it off.Weight Watchers itself is a pretty solid plan. I used it before and it worked before, and I am using it again and its working again.

Food and I are old friends, have been since I’ve grown up. Food was used as a panacea, a care for what ails ya. Food was love in our family and my culture (Mexican/Filipino hybrid, remember). I remember growing up being the big fat kid out of all the skinny short ones, kinda like the girl who developed breasts before all the other girls did, except I could never make a career dancing for tips out of a gut. Becoming an adult was a mixed bag, as I went into the gay dating scene, I was surrounded by twinkish men (some of who were my friends and friends of friends), making me feel like I did back in elementary through high school.

It was an incident back in 2009 that made me change my habits. I went a little overboard on some cookies during an Oscar party, and for some reason, I felt very dizzy. My mom checked my blood sugar, it was High, like really high. I didn’t want to feel like that ever again, so I went to my doctor that week and was tested for pre-diabetes. Sure enough, at the time I was one of the 25% of the total US population who are considered pre-diabetic. I changed my habits for the better…or at least I did. I kinda drifted along the whole weight loss and diet thing until this year, when I decided that I had had enough of being the fat, akward person in a sea of attractive gay men in the middle of the San Francisco Bay Area. It was also another health scare that pushed me over the edge, but this time from my mother, who has type 2 diabetes. To this day, I do my best to take care of myself, seeing as I will be 30 in December, and I want to enter my 30’s a lot more healthier.

What I am afraid of is those old habits, since they have a nasty thing about dying very hard. I often worry about what will be the thing that makes me fall off the wagon for good and keep me off of it. I sometimes wonder what life will be like afterwards, but in the end, I arrive to the conclusion that I am not losing weight so much as changing habits on a lifelong journey that will only end when I am in a pine box six feet underground; and that all habits, once made a part of your daily life, are hard to break without effort and focus.

Thanks for reading folks, I apologize if it sounds like I’ve rambled on a bit, but I appreciate your time. Feedback is always welcome too. Thanks again

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