I’ve been PT employed and on benefits for a while now (5 months I think).
It’s never a fun experience, nor do I recommend it for anyone else, but it is what’s needed and needed it surely is.
It never feels good to be in this position. With the limited income comes the uncomfortable stuff of having to pare down your life to the basics; it seems as if the world is moving on without you, howeverm it has always done this. You have to change the life you lived in order to successfully accomdate the life you live now. It is a very scary palce to be, especially if this is your first rodeo.
I didn’t come to talk about money though, I came to talk about what happens when you arrive in unfamiliar territory and you’re forced to sit in the room with yourself. When your lifestyle changes, even a bit, it tends to change the way you perceive the world, change the way you look at things and reevaluate where you are in life.
I do not like the asshole I have to share this body and mind with. He’s a bit selfish, he plays the victim, he tends to be passive aggressive. He sees only his faults and doesn’t move forward. He compares his life to others and always loses, he’s gone after things and people he shouldn’t have gone after and on rare occassions, allowed his pettiness to evolve into sheer cruelty. He’s talked big and sometimes failed to deliver.
He could be better, but will he try? Or will the laziness and lack of focus overtake him?
Long story short, this is what I have to work with.
It might be easy for me to be dismissive over all of this, go back to playing video games and move on, unfazed by what I’ve have been exposed to. I could also respond by being afraid, being afraid and ashamed of what I have witness and allow the fear to paralyze me into inaction.
There are many analogies and personifactions out there about the negative qualities inside of us; monkeys, demons, dragons, etc. I like the dragon one the most as I can relate it to a dream I had not too long ago (plus, dragons are cool)
I discussed my dragon dream with a friend a while back. In my dream, dragons were attacking; killing and burning all within thier path. I saw people running for cover and taking shelter wherever they could find. I also saw a few individuals, however, engaging in combat with the dragons, but rather than defeat them, all they were doing was keeping them at bay, exhausting them until the dragons were fed up and flew away.
Waking up, It occured to me that the dragons we battle with every, our fears, our insecurities and everything that makes us horrible people, can’t be slayed completely, and if they can, it is never an easy process. Every morning, you wake up, ready to battle the enemy from outside and within. We often struggle with the inner battles, since they force you to confront the very things we are bothered by.
These things that appear to hold us back, actually remind us of our humanity. Imagine if you had nothing holding you back, oh the things you could accomplish. But also remember that the lack of empathy is the surefire road to hubris, which in turn lead us down some pretty self destructive shit later on down the road. Anyways, the people who’ve lasted the longest and most successful in life have learned that its not about defeating the dragons, but learning how to deal, cope, reconcile, etc. with them when they come up. We’re imperfect human beings, and when you can accept everything, imperfections and all, it is then you can be a powerful force for change.
I guess I want to everyone to know that being where I am now, it sucks. But, I feel that if Im going to move to the next phase of my life (whatever that is) I need to shed the excess baggage and come to terms with the person I am. I need to find the way to deal with my dragons and how to reconcile both aspects of my persona. I need to learn how to be comfortable being uncomfortable in unfamiliar territory, and to know that I have what it takes to get me out of this mess.